Book review Number 1 – A very hungry Caterpillar.

I’ve been hearing rave reviews about this book. It apparently has everything. It’s won awards. It’s sold over 25 million copies and has been translated to many different languages. Obviously this was a book I needed to be reading. So I got myself a copy and here is my review of it, as well a a plot summary.

Well the plot goes like this. There’s this Caterpillar. And from what I gather, the imagery suggests that he is in fact, rather hungry. Whether we have to read between the lines and find the hinding meaning here is uncertain at such an early stage in the book, but I think that he might just be normally hungry, but others argue he is in fact hungry for international democracy and love among all men, using deep and complex imagery.

So anyway this caterpillar, he starts to eat things. Ice cream. Now I’ve never seen a Caterpillar eat ice cream, especially not a caterpillar called clunge (I read that’s his name). And then he kept eating more things. It was gripping. I’d turn the page and not know what to expect in the plot. Perhaps a twist? Perhaps he was all along an international spy intent on stopping Hitler from going through with his occult plan. But just when I thought I’d figured out this wonderful story, there it would go, and the clunge would go and eat something else. Quite frankly at this point I knew I was reading a classic. It has everything in terms of plot and character development. I felt I could relate on an emotional plane with the caterpillar.

Then something unbelievable happened. The caterpillar went into a cucoon and turned into a fucking Butterfly. It was alike a cliff hanger! I didn’t know what he was going to do next. Fly off and eat something? Finally stop Hitler? Prevent the cold war? Abolish apartheid. Quite frankly I am really looking forward to the sequel.

I give this book 8/10. I can see why it was on of Dubya’s favourites, it’s in my personal top 10 now as well. It’s only left down is it’s length. I wanted to see maybe a few more exotic items eaten.

Fox news – How the fuck do you watch this?

Now being from England, I’m not too sure how it really works over in America but from what I’ve seen is that certain shows have ridiculously biased reports, much like our newspapers. Only Fox news in my opinion, takes it to a new level. A totally new level.

Recently I’ve been alerted to a video on faux news (as it’s known on the great internets) that had a story of an Atheist sign being stolen from a nativity thing and then the Atheists replaced the sign citing the Ten Commandants, in particular the one about it being very naughty to steal. Sweet. A nice joke there point out their idiocy of stealing a sign because it ‘offends’ their religion but in doing so, going against the key foundations of their religion. But of course by fox, this was seen as ‘hypocritical’ as they were using something that was Christian to prove a point! Obviously the irony went over their heads…

But it’s not the only thing to go completely over their heads. In fact pretty much EVERYTHING goes over their bleeding heads. They get totally butthurt by everything. This makes them incredibly easy to target for anyone who wants to have a laugh at their expense. Usually Anonymous mind. I remember seeing their beautiful report on Anonymous and ‘the lulz’ and thinking that it was incredibly funny. Secret underground hacking webite? You mean 4chan!? 4chan is secret!? The hell are you talking about, it’s the largest English speaking imageboard on the entire internet. Then there are their hundreds of stupid reports on video game violence which are always a hoot. They always go on about cyber-bullying as well. Now what they don’t realise is that most horrible cyber-bullying is done by anonymous, and usually for a bloody good reason. The reason is usually doing something to piss them off. Pissing them off is a fucking stupid idea, and then egging them on is just stupider. Your taking on the highest caliber of trolls who usually have some idea of how to hide their actions and cause maximum impact. Part of being anonymous.

They even took a pop at Nintendo DSs becuase they could be used by pedos to message kids! Do you know how else pedos can message kiddies? They can come up to them and talk to them. Of course, they didn’t suggest cutting off people’s tounges.

But let’s go back to cyber bullying, as I’m in one of those moods. People always moan how they get cyber bullied and how horrible it is. You know what’s fantastic about computers. YOU CAN TURN THEM OFF. If you want something to go away, you can get rid of it! It’s not fucking hard. How dumb do you have to be, that if your getting upset by a chat over msn, to keep replying and keep it open. All your doing is feeding the trolls. NEVER FEED THE TROLLS. By feeding the trolls, your accomplishing nothing and worsening your situation, as you then let in more trolls.

In facthere is the great news story. Let’s go through it:

Right so first they meet ‘in secret.’ This is a blatant lie, it’s either on a *chan or over IRC. If your not stupid, you can gain access to these with total ease. Most people are dumb though.

It then goes on about how this poor little 13 year old girl was asked to strip online. Now either this is msn or some chatroom. If it’s msn, don’t allow people you don’t know to talk to you, or use the block function. Secondly, if your in a chatroom or something similar like stickam, just fucking leave. They’ll get bored eventually if you ignore them as that gives ‘no lulz.’ Seeing you upset is what they aim to do. The more attention the better. Well done, you just fed the fucking trolls.

No different than other forms of organised crime. I think some mafia bosses are turning in their graves right now. Of course it is. You think they all logged onto IRC and planned a murder? Of course they didn’t you silly turd. All they did is had a meeting in a remote location then went and killed someone. But of course, cyber bullying is exactly the same.

They then attack someone with a silly voice. And encouraged her to commit suicide OH NOES!? I’m sorry but if your dumb enough to take people that seriously online, then you have no hope for a bright future anyway. Get a grip and just delete said message and think no more about it. That’s how you don’t feed the trolls.

Apparently one girl did naughty things on camera. Right. So what this tells us is that your fucking stupid. I’m sorry but all they could have said is that they wanted her naked. And then she got naked. So whose fault is that? I’m sorry but she had all the control, there is such a thing as leaving or saying no. You haven’t been manipulated, your just a fucking idiot. How they got inside her head I don’t know but hey, they must be like super clever. Well no not really, most of them have never even touched a girl, and by their own admission I must say.

The next bit is very funny. A woman is blackmailed by anonymous with photos of her daughter. Which turn out not to be her daughter. But then once you find this out they threatened to put them on the web? They’d just do it anyway if they had the photos so you might just say screw it and go ahead. The girl shouldn’t have taken photos of herself nude in the first place. You see how this goes?

People are stupid. You don’t need education on hwo to deal with everything, all it needs is a small amount of common sense. Just learn that fi somethings annoying you or upsetting you, it’s probably your fault and if it’s on a computer just get rid of whatever it is! You silly cunts.

DRM – Please procede to the nearest cliff…

If your a gamer you know what those 3 lovely letters mean when put together. Digital Rights Management. Is a lovely thing which is trying (and failing) to stop pirates. It used to be that years ago you could go and buy a game, chuck it in the floopy disk or CD drive and play the game after it installed or maybe not installed, you might have been able to play it off the disk. I remember when they invented CD keys and the like. They did so get on my nerves, especially if they were printed in one certain place. I have a hait of losing game manuals and boxes, so once I lost them, I was buggered and had to find a keygen or similar to buy the game I had already fucking bought. Sure I could be more careful, but I bought the fucking game. If you were to try and convince EA or what not that I had bought the game, they would sincerely tell me to fuck right off.

But as I say, I could stand the cd keys. If it meant i wasn’t able to play multiplayer when I lost the manual, oh well, my fault, deal with it mother fucker. They’ve taken it a bit further. The biggest example of the epic fail was Bioshock’s SecuROM. Oh how that worked out…

Whether you bought the normal version of the Steam version, SecuROM came bundled with it. It’s supposed to stop people without this that and the other playing it. And of course, probably a few days before the release, Bioshock was cracked, the pirates won and they played it without anything happening. What happened to the people who bought the game? Well you were royally screwed.

People were actually given a set umber of ‘activations’ of which to use for ‘their’ version of Bioshock. How were bthese activations used. Well once you say unistalled and reinstalled the game for whatever reason you used up one. New hardware? Yup that uses up one. Having to format your computer, you naughty pirate you, that’s an activation. Want to have it on more than one family computer? NO.

Of course pirates had to put up with any of this. Not one bit at all, they could install and copy the game as much as they like. Oh well, let’s just punish the people who fucking bought the game eh? Much better. What made it worse for the people who bought Bioshock is that they actually had to find out themselves that this was the case, there was nothing written in the manual or anywhere else about the activations. They just did it. Wankers. Thankfully, as of June this year, they took it away, after a hell of a lot of moaning from the 2kgames board members, with threads well over 100 pages based on the issue. Don’t get me started on the sound issues for Bioshock though…

Oh and one more thing on this particular version of SecuROM. Some people started to notice that their Virus scanners were going crazy to some lovely software that SecuROM had installed. Acting a bit like a rootkit. After a few questions asked about what exactly this was and how you could remove it, well quite frankly fuck all was answered. People were left too it after uninstalling Bioshock to work out just how the fuck you get rid of the pissing files that acted like a rootkit. Well done SecuROM you fucking cunts.

The reason I’m really writing this article though is to do with Spore. Now I’m a sad person, and have been looking forward to Spore since it’s announcment, completely forgetting that of course, EA would be publishing it. Greeeat. That means that some lovely piece of SecuROM, very similar to Bioshock’s one will be on it’s way. I’ve had it on pre-order for 6 months and I’m going to be treated like a complete arsehole with this I can imagine.

Now from what I read it adds some new things into the mix. Like, without asking, sending information about your game to check it’s a legit copy. Somehow my legit copy can turn into a non-legit copy overnight. That makes perfect sense. And what exactly do they send? Who knows. But fuck me I’m going to find out, they can fuck off if they think they can silently upload things from my computer to some giant server. That’s what hackers do. Enjoy having me screaming down the phone until they tell me EXACTLY what they are sending from my computer without my explicit permission. My computer, my files motherfuckers.

The saddest part of all of this? Pirates still win, and good on them. They are fighting cunts like EA and continously winning, with little money and resources. Huge amounts of money is spent on DRM software, putting the prices of games up. Admittedly without pirates, there would be no need, but they are there, they will always win, now deal with it. Stardock have practically admitted defeat against Pirates, who they say quite truthfully, will not buy the game if they can’t get it illegally, they just won’t bother. I advice all game companies to follow their gaming bill of rights.

• Gamers shall have the right to return games that don’t work with their computers for a full refund.
• Gamers shall have the right to demand that games be released in a finished state.
• Gamers shall have the right to expect meaningful updates after a game’s release.
• Gamers shall have the right to demand that download managers and updaters not force themselves to run or be forced to load in order to play a game.
• Gamers shall have the right to expect that the minimum requirements for a game will mean that the game will play adequately on that computer.
• Gamers shall have the right to expect that games won’t install hidden drivers or other potentially harmful software without their consent.
• Gamers shall have the right to re-download the latest versions of the games they own at any time.
• Gamers shall have the right to not be treated as potential criminals by developers or publishers.
• Gamers shall have the right to demand that a single-player game not force them to be connected to the Internet every time they wish to play.
• Gamers shall have the right that games which are installed to the hard drive shall not require a CD/DVD to remain in the drive to play.

Peta do it again – This time they take on games!

Well not all games. Just on in particular. Cooking Mama. Now I know games sometimes get in the shit for being violent and apparently causing violence (bullshit detector) but Cooking Mama doesn’t seem to be your typical game to get a public lashing. For those of you who have never seen Cooking Mama, basically you prepare some meals using very cartoony style food stuffs. The reason PETA are pissed off? It involves meals with meat in them! Shit, not VIRTUAL meat!? I wonder how many poor baby rabbits died in the making of that video game. Well none did you silly shits.

What they are trying to get at here, is that by cooking virtual meat, your encouraging eating meat, which we all do because we are omnivores and it’s totally natural. Obviously this is a pretty ridiculous premise, as I don’t think there are that many Vegans or the like who have changed their ways because Cooking Mama made them to. Anyway to move on, the reason I am ranting this shit is because of this bad boy:

http://www.peta.org/cooking-mama/index.asp?c=pmkaperb08

Yes, you too can play the awesome Cooking Mama: unauthorized peta edition! It’s so fucking awesome, you get to make yourself a turkey! Yes, in all it’s gory details, you too can ‘realisitically’ make yourself a turkey dinner. How realisitic you ask. Well lets go through the stages:

Prepare the Turkey

Plucking the turkey – You start off by plucking your turkey which looks like it’s been hit multiple times with a sledge hammer, rather than just having it’s throat cut, a much quicker death. Problem is every time you pluck a feather off, it bleeds, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t happen in real life.

Remove the internal organs – A great piece of propaganda here, yes you get try and gore out kids by saying that actually the turkey use to have organs! Fucking hell, never knew that. Basically you just pull it out, it’s pretty shit. They try and make them look disgusting but it doesn’t really work. Not only that, blood goes fucking everywhere, as obviously you haven’t bothered to bleed the bird properly or anything like that.

Break -  you get a shitty break here telling you that animals are killed in horrible ways so you can eat? And, what would you prefer I do, chase on myself, scare the shit out of it, and then stab it a few times? This way is much more humane actually.

Apparently that’s the whole Turkey prepared anyway, ready to cook. We now move onto…

Stuff the Turkey

Crack the eggs – last time I checked, eggs didn’t bleed blood. I haven’t had eggs in a while, so things may have changed, but I’m still pretty certain they don’t contain blood in any form. This makes this a particually retarded game. Also they don’t contain feathers either. I’m pretty sure that even if the egg was near fully developed, then the chick inside wouldn’t have fucking feathers.

Mix the ingredients – In this mini game, we get to mix some stuff and make a big green mess with hair and bubbles. Now, I’m not sure what stuffing you eat in America, but ours is usually brown with no hairs or bubbles. Nor does it contain blood.

Stuff the bird – Now we get to shove green shit up a birds ass. Awesome. Of course blood goes everywhere, as that fucking happens. Also it should be noted that even though we have taken out the organs, there are still intestines hanging out of the ass. Yeah, likely story.

Remove the head – Next we get to remove the head with a pussy of a knife. Personally I would you a butchers knife and wack it off, but oh well. Also you get to see even more blood. Awesome shit.

Cooking the bird – Next we get to cook it. On the baking tray is a shit load of blood, some more organs, some feathers, even though we plucked the fucker, and some more stuff. I do get the feeling that PETA has never actually cooked an animal before, because they are obviously shit at it.

Break 2 – More shit about how horrible turkey farms are. Boring.

And lastly….

Make the gravy

Personally speaking, I’ve never seen gravy with feathers in it, but I’ll give this mini game a chance!

Chop the neck -  usually I prefer granules, or something that would actually make a decent gravy, not the fucking neck of a Turkey. Seriously stupid. And again you use the pussy knife, what is with that thing?

Saute the body parts – Oh saute eh? Sounds good! Well it gets worse, as apparently the meat you are using is neck, heart and stomach. Not gonna lie, doesn’t sound like the most appertising gravy ever, in fact it’s going to be pretty shit.

Strain the gravy – Now we get to remove the feathers (where the fuck did they come from?), bones (and again, where from?) and other body parts which were not obviously well used. Fuck, if your gonna take the time to cook them, at least fucking eat them.

Break 3 – This time we’re told that Turkeys die so we can eat them, and how they have no legal protection. Well, I’m sure even if we gave them legal protection, their inability to talk may hinder any trial, or like getting a lawyer. Hell, even crossing the road is going to be a small problem.

And that’s the end of the game. You end up with a horrible turkey because PETA doesn’t know how to fucking cook. It’s really not difficult, I’m pretty sure if cavemen could do it, we can. But hell, at least you can make a really piss poor flash game about it eh?

Why don’t you go something useful with your lives other than trying to get people to join your warped views on morality (which is a very personal thing), instead of firebombing places and the like, you complete waste of space. Grow a pair, stop being a big punch of convulsing vaginas.

Feminism – Such a ridiculous notion!

Before I start this article I’d like to make one thing clear, men and women should have equal rights. I’m not going to say men are better than women (even though they quite blatantly are) but this article is about the feminism which is ironically anti men.

I saw ironically because they are all about ‘equal rights’ for women. Although these days it seems to have turned into something much more pathetic and annoying. It’s commonly known that women have the exact same rights as men in most countries. Somewhere along the way, it seemed to have turned into, despite evidence against this, that women are in fact better than men at absolutely everything and if you say they aren’t your a woman basher you hates women! It use to be about getting women the right to vote, and now it’s about not calling a woman fit because in some retarded way it’s derogatory and offensive to women to see them as sex. Well sorry for trying to spread my genes like I’m programmed to, I’ll just make sure I have sex with inanimate objects instead (which is what feminists generally have to do as they are ugly or scrotes with withered vaginas!).

I’m going to pick on language for a second. Let’s take the example of the word ‘fuck.’ If I was to be having sex and it was good I might say “This is fucking good.” It’s a good term, a language enhancer and isn’t at all offensive. If I was to call someone a “pig fucker” then it would be a different kettle of fish. Words we use are all about context, especially swear words. So why is it when you call a woman say ‘babe’ it’s suddenly belitting and offensive. It’s not, if anything they are saying they like you. What would you actually rather they say? I know “You are mildly attractive and I like your personality. Maybe we should go to a quiet place of solitude and engage in sexual intercourse for 5:03 at which point I shall ejaculate into your vagina.” I’m pretty sure you’d prefer babe. Of course, as everyone knows, feminists don’t get called babe, as they are too ugly.

Porn is another thing they hate as apparently it objectifies women as sex objects. Update for feminists who obviously have never bothered to watch porn: most of the time there is actually a man in it as well! I know shocking stuff. Is he being objectified and used? No? Are you sure? Of course it’s just the woman, he’s not in it at all. Women watch porn as well, but do you hear men complaining about it? No you don’t because we don’t give a shit. Just because you can’t get any sex doesn’t mean you have to ruin it for everyone else.

There is also a reason why women have always been the mothers whilst the dads went off and did work in it’s various forms. It’s the way we are fucking programmed. It’s always been that way. It’s how it is in some animals as well. Such as penguins, where the father looks after the young. In lions, the lionesses hunt for the men. As it happens in human beings, the women generally looked after the young and other things of this nature whilst the men went off to hunt for the ‘tribe.’ As this got translated into modern society, or modernish society, it meant that women lost a lot of rights (which they gained back) but kept their original instincts of being the mother to the children and looking after them whilst the dad worked. It’s simple and basic science. However according to feminists, it’s all a social conspiracy, with the evil old men constantly oppressing the women to the point they are tied to a bed, with a apple in their mouth and huge flashing arrows pointing to their pussy.

These differences are quite plainly good for us. If we were all the fucking same, then we might as well just be asexual and reproduce with whoever you like. There are always going to be differences. Most girls like to shop, where as most men don’t. Strange that isn’t it? Most women like to buy lots of shoes as well, and spend ages on their hair. Their much more worried about their looks, again probably because of genes meaning they wanted to be used for breeding by the men. And the men like to be muscly as that is what girls are naturally attracted to, it’s all part of natural selection. It’s a shame that chavs still feel the need to reproduce as they would have been killed off in the wild for either being too dumb or too fat. Probably both.

What about in the army. Demands are very physical. Women, naturally again, do not have the same build as men and do not possess as much stamina or muscle as men do. It’s nothing negative, it’s just the way it is. However the army is now being forced to hire them due to law changes saying they can’t discriminate against men and women. I’m not saying women can’t be in the army, I’m pretty sure there are a number of excellent soldiers in the army who are women, but in general, they just aren’t. They can cause lack of efficiency in a unit if they can’t keep up for example.

Feminism causes problems. It was a good cause to mean they get treated equally in terms of voting, but they cant do everything that men can do, just like we can’t do everything that they can do. The only difference is, men don’t give a flying fuck, we just get the fuck on with it. Stop moaning.

Uwe Boll – “Go die in a fire”

Now I’ve never really been all in favour of video game to movie adaptions, unless they are written by the oringinal creator, who pick the director and such and make sure they stick as closely as possible to the game in question. I’m a gamer, I love games, and movie creators generally tend to not give a shit and make horrible horrible movies. Of the people who take up these movies, Uwe Boll is by far the worst.

Uwe Boll has murdered the following games:

• BloodRayne
• Dungeon Siege
• Alone in the Dark
• House of the Dead
• Postal

He may possibly be taking up FarCry as well. Thankfully Blizzard told him where to go for WoW (which I don’t play personally) and Hideo Kojima also told him where to go with Metal Gear.

Now these movies are complete and utter bollocks. I believe his first video game-movie adaption comes from House of the Dead, which is featured in many worst 100 films of all time lists. Excellent start to his creation.

House of the Fail

Never was a big fan of this game, played it a few times in the arcade, but it doesn’t really seem to have a massive storyline. Loads of zombies, you shoot them, then there are bigger zombies and you have to kill them. Excellent, could totally make a super original movie out of this game. Even though I don’t really love the game, he still managed to kill it. Any story there actually was in the game was totally changed and filtered out with a new one put in it’s place. Some peopel go to a rave, find everyone is zombies (why?) and then try and survive in a house. Brilliant plot. lots of surprises and character building. Loads of people die, there is lots of gore and it’s just a typical B-movie. A bad B-movie. Probably sub B-movie quite frankly.

Alone in the Dark

I love this game. I remember playing it when I was just a nipper and it scaring the shit out of me back then. It’s no Fatal Frame, but it’s still managed to make me crap myself at the time, probably not now mind. Still it had quite an interesting storyline and served as one of the key games in it’s genre, and inspired games like Fatal Frame and Silent Hill. Overall it’s a bloody good game. Getting my drift here. Now there was a script created by a Mr. Erickson which was supposedly quite good but rejected by Boll for not having enough car chases and other ridiculous things of this nature. I’m pretty sure that Mr. Boll has never actually played Alone in the Dark, because if he had, he may have noticed it’s not actually a super action game with explosions, car chases and big fucking gun fights. It was also inspired by H.P. Lovercraft who also probably didn’t use these particular plot elements. The plots from the first game and the first movie differ on pretty much every level, as you get quite a weird occultic explanation when playing the game as to what has happened, throgh certain plot devices, where as Mr. Boll’s lovely movie has dimensional doorways, Tara Reid, slow motion gun battles from Max Payne, and mad scientists. Now maybe you could look past this glaring inability to keep even vaguely in tune with the game if it was watchable. It isn’t. If Tara Reid is in something, you should generally try your best to avoid it. Terrible acting, incredibly bad plot and horrible special effects. Thank you Mr. Boll, you have killed any chance of there being a succesful movie for Alone in the Dark!

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Again I am no massive fan of this game so I can’t really pretend to know the full ins and outs of it. However I’ll take a stab from the wiki. A typical RPG, you’ve got to save the kingdom from an evil force (goblins called Krug this time) and you encounter a host of different people and races along the way. Pretty standard stuff, wouldn’t be hard to put into a movie. Firs thing I noticed here was that instead of Goblins in the movie, we got fuck off Orcs. Big Orcs. Who looks strangely like they have just come over the the LoTR set. In fact, a lot of this movie apparently has been ‘inspired’ by LoTR. I’m not gonna beat around the bush here, what they have done is just made a very poor knockoff of LoTR series. They even went as far as to steal Gimli (in a totally strange role) for the film. It might has well have been called ‘LoTR: A cheapy and shitty knock off for those without a brain.’ Horrible acting, a plot that kind of resembles something of the game, if you squint and turn your head a bit and low production values create another epic for the bargain bin! The movie just doesn’t make sense.

Bloodrayne

I quite liked Bloodrayne. It had vampires in it. Vampires kill people to eat. That’s quite awesome. They even have special vampires that don’t give a shit about crosses. How did Boll manage to kill this movie? You guessed it, with a storyline that was nothing like the game (which tbh wasn’t that good anyway but still). Funny thing with this movie is that he didn’t get a bunch of people who didn’t know what they were doing and told them to get on it. He brought in a pretty good cast and backstage team, including an oscar winner! And yet somehow, someway, he managed to make them all completely suck together in some giant bowl of turd juice and nipple droppings, sprinkled with the pubes of an deceased rape victim.

I can’t even be bothered with Portal. You can see where it is headed. I don’t know what is worse: he making this awful movies or the game companies actually selling him the rights to them (well done Blizzard). It is beyond belief that he thinks the critism is unfounded and wrong and that he is some kind of genius when he quite plainly isn’t. He is a complete fraud. Give me £30million and I could make a movie twice as good as him, based on a game. One of the best reason he uses as to why his movies may not be that amazing is because the game companies don’t give him enough support. Well excuse them for having other things to do, like possibly making games. It’s your fucking job to make a good movie Mr. Boll and to do your own back reading into the subject your going to be filming about. Hell, this maybe a step to far, but maybe, just maybe, you could PLAY THE FUCKING GAME before shooting it. Your a little turd. An incredibly untalented turd. Suck. My. Balls. Suck them dry. I hope you never touch a game again, although you will, and when you do, I’ll be there to tell you just how much of a piece of shit you are.

New Age

The ‘new’ age, regarded by some to be some amazing new thing to get in touch with your body and soul and improve yourself both physically and mentally. Now the New Age has many definitions and can encompass a lot of different beliefs to the blindingly stupid, to the most hardcore of Atheists. For the sake of this article, I’ll be focusing on our blindingly stupid friends.

New age picked up a lot of ground in the 60, 70s and 80s. I imagine a lot of this had to do with the Hippy movement, because Hippys fucking love anything like this, very much a counterculture. Once the media picked up on the now subculture (I feel myself getting angry already), these lot believed in a hell of a lot. I’ll go through a few of them.

Crystals

Probably one of my favourite things about New Age people is that they believe that certain Crystals have some magical powers. When we actually stop and think ‘Why the hell would this do anything?’ we come up with the conclusion that there is nothing. But oh no, New Agers swear blind that this practice can heal a wide range of ailments. According to http://www.crystalwellbeing.co.uk/ some stones can actually heal the body. Fuck your Doctor who spent how many years looking into how to heal a huge range of different conditions, these crystals are the biz! Stick a few onto your body to get rid of a range of diseases or problems, I’ve even heard they can cure Arthritis. Although healing physical pain seems to be bad, they even claim they can heal emotional pain such as depression. No, they can’t, that’s really retarded. Like most New Age things, Crystals are nothing but a pseudoscience and the Placebo effect, with the patients seriously believing they are being healed from whatever it is they have, and ignoring anything that suggests otherwise, like physical pain. Now whilst not only is this incredibly retarded, this is also quite obviously dangerous. It stops people with serious medical conditions going to see someone who can actually help them in some shape or form. People only reject these people in a pathetic attempt to being against the ‘mainstream.’ It’s a very sad and dangerous practice.

Zodiac

The Zodiac has seen a new emergence under the New Age people, as again, it wasn’t very mainstream, a very old system to predict what is going to happen on Earth by looking at the stars. Totally logical, perfect sense. If my obvious sarcasm has gone over you then please stop reading. Anyway, this is another stupid thing to get involved if. There are some people who take these predictions very seriously despite their lack of any real value, as we now have a little bit more knowledge of our our universe works and why the stars move about, something which the Babylonians didn’t. Why such a system invented thousands of years ago is still used today is beyond me. If anything the Zodiac is a fun little thing to use and joke about, but it does not define who you are, what you are like or what is going to happen to you. Your genes do that, not some pathetic little consolation and the moon.

Herbs

Now here I am not talking about the sort of herbs that can actually help, with scientific backing, with various issues. No particular herbs come to mind that heal certain ailments but I am aware that there are some. However the amount of stupid herbs that can ‘cure’ cancer and depression is just silly. How the hell is eating some grass going to cure cancer!? That is beyond stupidity. Some people actually stop taking drugs which have taken millions of pounds to develop, and gone through years of trials, only to be beaten by some herbs. Sweet. If your seriously considering ever taking these silly treatments, for the love of God/Allah/whoever, don’t give up your actual treatment that helps. If you want to have a placebo effect, by all means go ahead, but make sure you are still taking the stuff that actually matters.

Firewalking

Very popular as a team building exercise, or, more commonly, as a spiritual enlightenment proving mind over matter! Walking on fire and not getting hurt!? Totally AWESOME! I’m getting me some of that. Well it’s all a load of bollocks really, another way to scam money from people who are desperate for some actual help. Basically you just walk over some ashes, and you do it, it doesn’t really hurt and somehow this proves you are ‘the balls’ and can do anything when you put your mind to it. Well two things wrong here. For one, your probably not ‘the balls’ and two, it proves nothing. Ever felt your feet? Do it now, and notice the skin. There is a huge amount of rock hard dead skin on the bottom of your feet. It’s there for protections in harsh environments, say like some hot ashes… Another great scam!

Tarot

Another very old game that has now gone into overdrive with new age. Also another big hoax. There is no way a few cards can predict what is going to happen to you in the near future, your personality or anything else for that matter. So how do the readers sometimes seem to know exactly what you are like? Simple. They just take a good look at your and judge your personality. If they get it right, great, they have you hooked and you listen to their every word, come back to them more and give them more money! If not, ah well, no big loss, they’ll just claim they weren’t feeling it or that they misread the cards. Another big waste of money. Cold reading at it’s finest! And one more for the road…

Aura

A favourite of mine is the Aura. Apparently it’s something that sort of comes out of every living thing and is some supernatural energy. We simpletons can’t see it as we aren’t awesome enough, only people with special powers can do that. Funny how they are all new age people isn’t it? Funny how they also sell training to see these things, and even goggles to see them! What’s that? Money? Who would have thought! I certainly didn’t see this coming. Most of the time the reason people see anything is due to focusing too hard on a certain object, hurting the retina and making it trip slightly. No training needed here folks, just strain your eyes. And then you get the total cunts saying they can give you a medical diagnosis based on your Aura. Of course there isn’t one consensus on what colour or thing means what, so it’s basically whatever the hell the person you see thinks. They’ll just lie or use cold reading to tell you what they think is the problem.

You see, the reason I really dislike these people is that they take advantage of others who are depressed, upset or unwell in some way and make them spend money and refuse advice from professionals who want to help them and this can potentially be fatal. What utter wankers you have to be do this sort of thing for a living and have a clear conscience at the end of the day. I’m a total cunt, but at least I can say I’m not as bad as these guys. Feel free to comment and visit my wordpress blog dantheman999.wordpress.com and leave comments there as well.

Only God can Judge me – Bullshit

As most people could have guessed, I’m not at all religious. I’m an atheist, although not the type who goes around saying your stupid if you believe in a certain religion, they are annoying little twats who having got a clue. A little diginty please.

Anyway I happened to have noticed that a lot of people quote oh so great 2upac (I think that’s how those kool kids spell it), and they tend to recycle out this quote like it’s some sort of amazing life changing quote.

“Only god can Judge me”

What does that even me. There are two possible definitions. The first one is the literal definition, they nobody can actually physically judge you because there is some physical force stopping them. Knowing 2upac and his rapper cronies, probably a gun to the face would be this physical force trying to stop you judging them. This said, I am right no judging Mr. 2upac and finding there is no gun in my face, so this literal translation is probably not correct.

What we are left with is the read between the lines meaning. I imagine if comes along the lines of that the only pure being is God so only he can judge people as I’m so evil and horrible myself I couldn’t possible form some sort of decent opinion.

Something inherently wrong with not being able to judge someone in some shape or form really. Imagine going to a job interview, strolling in and shouting “YOU CAN’T JUDGE ME ONLY GOD CAN, GET ME JOB” your probably going to get laughed at and kicked out. I have a right to judge people, it’s called being given a brain.

The other thing that is incredibly annoying about this phrase is due to the people who often say it. Firstly they have to utterly love 2upac. No offense, but the majority of people who love him are complete retards, usually wiggers or some other boring and plain subculture (wigger is a particually funny one as they actually copied someone elses subculture because they couldn’t think of their own). These people usually have some reason to be judged. They deal drugs to 5 year olds, they rape old women or something, and to escape the fact that people may frown upon this and ‘judge’ them, they say this as if people will go “Oh alright then, your right, only it can judge you.” No, shut the fuck up, get some sense, and stop using such a ridiculous notion. Next person that says this to me gets a punch in the face. Obviously this has to be face to face, and not some commenter who wants to improve his e-penis by fighting online, the highest form of manliness.

Old women – Please wear bras.

You know, I always thought that in the old days, women were very unhappy about even showing their ankles and legs, let alone their boobs and such. Apparently, somewhere along the lines, their minds got heavily distorted and now we have this rather strange occurence: The old woman, without a bra on.

Now normally, a woman without a bra on can be a good things, especially considering that most young people have pretty good boobs. Unfortunately, young people usually wear bras to keep some modesty, making the men do the chasing to get them off. Fair play. But why the heck to old women think it’s suddenly acceptable to wear the worlds thinest shirts or whatever they like and wear no bloody bra!? It makes everyone want to puke. You see an old woman, waddling along, her boobs almost smashing into her face, and then you can see the tits, and you don’t know where to look. Do you try and avoid looking? Well yes, but you can, but the chances are these things will be swinging into your face in a few seconds. There was some point when these old women decided bras were no longer needed.

This doesn’t just count to old women who make wrong choices about clothing. Fat people also take the award for most disgusting.

That now oldish craze of superbly tight jeans hit emo kids quickly. Then it started to spread into the main stream and before you know it, everyone was wanting to wear them. Right on que, the fat people put them on, and thunder thighs were born! Being able to see every single horrible roll of fat makes me want to puke. Every time, wanting to puke. This stretches past just jeans and goes for all clothing types. [ALLCAPS] WE DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR ROLLS, ANYWHERE [/ALLCAPS] The only place i want to see them is if I was starving in the mountains, and you were my only food source. Even then, I would have the make sure that I was blindfolded whilst I cooked the fat rolls.

Remember people, wear the right clothes for your body type.

Those lovely young teenagers

Kids these days eh? See now I class a kid as anyone below the age of 16. 16 year old boys, however, still classify as kids in my opinion, generally due to their complete immaturity and usually quite awful world views, probably based on ‘The Sun,’ a newspaper known well for it’s completely unbiased reporting. Girls tend to be better of the two groups, generally due to them maturing faster than their counter parts but you still get some utterly obnoxious whores around. You know the type, you’ve seen them, they look something like this:

Notice the horrible ear-rings, orange glow and disgusting hair.

Girls like this make me want to puke. Their was an annoying girl I was knew who, if you took a glancing look at her, would assume she was a man. The way she walked, talked and hung out with was horribly manly and it was just wrong. It is good to note she was also a chav. Chav girls are failures of the highest order, and are probably the most immature of a sad lot.

But the boys, oh do they take the biscuit. Over in England, once you get to Upper school, or whatever you want to call it, the kids do seem to get progressively worse and worse, to the point of utter annoyance. Year 9, or around 13/14 years old, they seem to think they in fact, know it all, and are the hardest things about, and are without a doubt too cool to you. This people in life with become utter failures. They are the people that will be mopping the floors of a public toilet, whilst you sit happy in the fact knowing that their years of drinking the cheapest ciders, and doing drugs have caught up with them and have turned them into a total wreck, with 4 children, no money, an ugly slaggy whore of a wife (see above). Life is great sometimes.

But until that point you STILL have to bloody well put up with them. At school, you know you can’t just punch them in the face, as it will obviously be the older person who would be punished the most, so the easiest way to get around this rule is to goad them into something, say like a game of football. They are bound to be shorter than you by a good 5 inches so this is perfect. Here are some perfect footballing strategies

1. The long ball

   Always a favourite amongst footballing folk, the long hoof up to the front man. Well, this is a great chance. Go up into the air for a 50-50 ball and swing your elbows like Jackie Chan. Chances are, one of them is going to land sweetly upon the face of said target. Crying will ensue on their part and you will have achieved victory. You also get away with it.

2. The 50-50 challenge

   Another favourite of mine. The ball, in the middle of the pitch, two people running towards it to get it. What do you do? Well don’t go for the ball, instead aim for their upper legs, possibly with your knee, that way landing a sweet and powerful blow to their ligaments, causing a huge amount of pain. It is said that enough damage to this area can cause vomit. If they vomit, you win some man points.

3. Goalies

   Your target in goal? No problemo, as long as you can hit the ball hard and fairly accurately. All you do is run at the goalie with the ball and utterly blast it somewhere near to his crotch or face. Hopefully, being so doped up has taken it’s strain on his already poor reflexes, and he will be lying in a pile of blood caused by a ruptured scrotum. Knowing his is celibate will probably cause him to become a social outcast and a complete sociopath. Job done.

Obviously these do not work with girls, as everyone knows, girls hate football. So the best way to achieve win against girls is to totally out talk them. They think they can win an argument, but against pure an utter logic and wit they stand no chance. Just make sure ou counter-act their every crappy saying perfectly and they will live in a huff, probably calling you a cunt or something. You know you win when you can slip in a joke on their second layer of skin which is makeup based.

Remember people, cocky kids are less important, less developed and certainly dumber than you. Use this to your advantage, slip in complex sex jokes and the like in, to leave hem crying, knowing they will never amount to anything more than being a 5 star server at their local MacDonalds.