Uwe Boll – “Go die in a fire”

Now I’ve never really been all in favour of video game to movie adaptions, unless they are written by the oringinal creator, who pick the director and such and make sure they stick as closely as possible to the game in question. I’m a gamer, I love games, and movie creators generally tend to not give a shit and make horrible horrible movies. Of the people who take up these movies, Uwe Boll is by far the worst.

Uwe Boll has murdered the following games:

• BloodRayne
• Dungeon Siege
• Alone in the Dark
• House of the Dead
• Postal

He may possibly be taking up FarCry as well. Thankfully Blizzard told him where to go for WoW (which I don’t play personally) and Hideo Kojima also told him where to go with Metal Gear.

Now these movies are complete and utter bollocks. I believe his first video game-movie adaption comes from House of the Dead, which is featured in many worst 100 films of all time lists. Excellent start to his creation.

House of the Fail

Never was a big fan of this game, played it a few times in the arcade, but it doesn’t really seem to have a massive storyline. Loads of zombies, you shoot them, then there are bigger zombies and you have to kill them. Excellent, could totally make a super original movie out of this game. Even though I don’t really love the game, he still managed to kill it. Any story there actually was in the game was totally changed and filtered out with a new one put in it’s place. Some peopel go to a rave, find everyone is zombies (why?) and then try and survive in a house. Brilliant plot. lots of surprises and character building. Loads of people die, there is lots of gore and it’s just a typical B-movie. A bad B-movie. Probably sub B-movie quite frankly.

Alone in the Dark

I love this game. I remember playing it when I was just a nipper and it scaring the shit out of me back then. It’s no Fatal Frame, but it’s still managed to make me crap myself at the time, probably not now mind. Still it had quite an interesting storyline and served as one of the key games in it’s genre, and inspired games like Fatal Frame and Silent Hill. Overall it’s a bloody good game. Getting my drift here. Now there was a script created by a Mr. Erickson which was supposedly quite good but rejected by Boll for not having enough car chases and other ridiculous things of this nature. I’m pretty sure that Mr. Boll has never actually played Alone in the Dark, because if he had, he may have noticed it’s not actually a super action game with explosions, car chases and big fucking gun fights. It was also inspired by H.P. Lovercraft who also probably didn’t use these particular plot elements. The plots from the first game and the first movie differ on pretty much every level, as you get quite a weird occultic explanation when playing the game as to what has happened, throgh certain plot devices, where as Mr. Boll’s lovely movie has dimensional doorways, Tara Reid, slow motion gun battles from Max Payne, and mad scientists. Now maybe you could look past this glaring inability to keep even vaguely in tune with the game if it was watchable. It isn’t. If Tara Reid is in something, you should generally try your best to avoid it. Terrible acting, incredibly bad plot and horrible special effects. Thank you Mr. Boll, you have killed any chance of there being a succesful movie for Alone in the Dark!

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Again I am no massive fan of this game so I can’t really pretend to know the full ins and outs of it. However I’ll take a stab from the wiki. A typical RPG, you’ve got to save the kingdom from an evil force (goblins called Krug this time) and you encounter a host of different people and races along the way. Pretty standard stuff, wouldn’t be hard to put into a movie. Firs thing I noticed here was that instead of Goblins in the movie, we got fuck off Orcs. Big Orcs. Who looks strangely like they have just come over the the LoTR set. In fact, a lot of this movie apparently has been ‘inspired’ by LoTR. I’m not gonna beat around the bush here, what they have done is just made a very poor knockoff of LoTR series. They even went as far as to steal Gimli (in a totally strange role) for the film. It might has well have been called ‘LoTR: A cheapy and shitty knock off for those without a brain.’ Horrible acting, a plot that kind of resembles something of the game, if you squint and turn your head a bit and low production values create another epic for the bargain bin! The movie just doesn’t make sense.

Bloodrayne

I quite liked Bloodrayne. It had vampires in it. Vampires kill people to eat. That’s quite awesome. They even have special vampires that don’t give a shit about crosses. How did Boll manage to kill this movie? You guessed it, with a storyline that was nothing like the game (which tbh wasn’t that good anyway but still). Funny thing with this movie is that he didn’t get a bunch of people who didn’t know what they were doing and told them to get on it. He brought in a pretty good cast and backstage team, including an oscar winner! And yet somehow, someway, he managed to make them all completely suck together in some giant bowl of turd juice and nipple droppings, sprinkled with the pubes of an deceased rape victim.

I can’t even be bothered with Portal. You can see where it is headed. I don’t know what is worse: he making this awful movies or the game companies actually selling him the rights to them (well done Blizzard). It is beyond belief that he thinks the critism is unfounded and wrong and that he is some kind of genius when he quite plainly isn’t. He is a complete fraud. Give me £30million and I could make a movie twice as good as him, based on a game. One of the best reason he uses as to why his movies may not be that amazing is because the game companies don’t give him enough support. Well excuse them for having other things to do, like possibly making games. It’s your fucking job to make a good movie Mr. Boll and to do your own back reading into the subject your going to be filming about. Hell, this maybe a step to far, but maybe, just maybe, you could PLAY THE FUCKING GAME before shooting it. Your a little turd. An incredibly untalented turd. Suck. My. Balls. Suck them dry. I hope you never touch a game again, although you will, and when you do, I’ll be there to tell you just how much of a piece of shit you are.

~ by dantheman999 on 21 October, 2008.