Well not all games. Just on in particular. Cooking Mama. Now I know games sometimes get in the shit for being violent and apparently causing violence (bullshit detector) but Cooking Mama doesn’t seem to be your typical game to get a public lashing. For those of you who have never seen Cooking Mama, basically you prepare some meals using very cartoony style food stuffs. The reason PETA are pissed off? It involves meals with meat in them! Shit, not VIRTUAL meat!? I wonder how many poor baby rabbits died in the making of that video game. Well none did you silly shits.
What they are trying to get at here, is that by cooking virtual meat, your encouraging eating meat, which we all do because we are omnivores and it’s totally natural. Obviously this is a pretty ridiculous premise, as I don’t think there are that many Vegans or the like who have changed their ways because Cooking Mama made them to. Anyway to move on, the reason I am ranting this shit is because of this bad boy:
Yes, you too can play the awesome Cooking Mama: unauthorized peta edition! It’s so fucking awesome, you get to make yourself a turkey! Yes, in all it’s gory details, you too can ‘realisitically’ make yourself a turkey dinner. How realisitic you ask. Well lets go through the stages:
Prepare the Turkey
Plucking the turkey – You start off by plucking your turkey which looks like it’s been hit multiple times with a sledge hammer, rather than just having it’s throat cut, a much quicker death. Problem is every time you pluck a feather off, it bleeds, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t happen in real life.
Remove the internal organs – A great piece of propaganda here, yes you get try and gore out kids by saying that actually the turkey use to have organs! Fucking hell, never knew that. Basically you just pull it out, it’s pretty shit. They try and make them look disgusting but it doesn’t really work. Not only that, blood goes fucking everywhere, as obviously you haven’t bothered to bleed the bird properly or anything like that.
Break – you get a shitty break here telling you that animals are killed in horrible ways so you can eat? And, what would you prefer I do, chase on myself, scare the shit out of it, and then stab it a few times? This way is much more humane actually.
Apparently that’s the whole Turkey prepared anyway, ready to cook. We now move onto…
Stuff the Turkey
Crack the eggs – last time I checked, eggs didn’t bleed blood. I haven’t had eggs in a while, so things may have changed, but I’m still pretty certain they don’t contain blood in any form. This makes this a particually retarded game. Also they don’t contain feathers either. I’m pretty sure that even if the egg was near fully developed, then the chick inside wouldn’t have fucking feathers.
Mix the ingredients – In this mini game, we get to mix some stuff and make a big green mess with hair and bubbles. Now, I’m not sure what stuffing you eat in America, but ours is usually brown with no hairs or bubbles. Nor does it contain blood.
Stuff the bird – Now we get to shove green shit up a birds ass. Awesome. Of course blood goes everywhere, as that fucking happens. Also it should be noted that even though we have taken out the organs, there are still intestines hanging out of the ass. Yeah, likely story.
Remove the head – Next we get to remove the head with a pussy of a knife. Personally I would you a butchers knife and wack it off, but oh well. Also you get to see even more blood. Awesome shit.
Cooking the bird – Next we get to cook it. On the baking tray is a shit load of blood, some more organs, some feathers, even though we plucked the fucker, and some more stuff. I do get the feeling that PETA has never actually cooked an animal before, because they are obviously shit at it.
Break 2 – More shit about how horrible turkey farms are. Boring.
Make the gravy
Personally speaking, I’ve never seen gravy with feathers in it, but I’ll give this mini game a chance!
Chop the neck – usually I prefer granules, or something that would actually make a decent gravy, not the fucking neck of a Turkey. Seriously stupid. And again you use the pussy knife, what is with that thing?
Saute the body parts – Oh saute eh? Sounds good! Well it gets worse, as apparently the meat you are using is neck, heart and stomach. Not gonna lie, doesn’t sound like the most appertising gravy ever, in fact it’s going to be pretty shit.
Strain the gravy – Now we get to remove the feathers (where the fuck did they come from?), bones (and again, where from?) and other body parts which were not obviously well used. Fuck, if your gonna take the time to cook them, at least fucking eat them.
Break 3 – This time we’re told that Turkeys die so we can eat them, and how they have no legal protection. Well, I’m sure even if we gave them legal protection, their inability to talk may hinder any trial, or like getting a lawyer. Hell, even crossing the road is going to be a small problem.
And that’s the end of the game. You end up with a horrible turkey because PETA doesn’t know how to fucking cook. It’s really not difficult, I’m pretty sure if cavemen could do it, we can. But hell, at least you can make a really piss poor flash game about it eh?
Why don’t you go something useful with your lives other than trying to get people to join your warped views on morality (which is a very personal thing), instead of firebombing places and the like, you complete waste of space. Grow a pair, stop being a big punch of convulsing vaginas.